ozarque (ozarque) wrote,

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Wednesday; eldering...

Twenty years ago, my husband George was your prototypical angry adult male homo sapiens. On a hair trigger at all times, ready to fight at the drop of a syllable. I dreaded his eldering, because I was sure he was only going to get angrier as the years went by.

Instead, he Mellowed. And today he is the kindest and most patient and gracious person I know. Which just goes to show that sometimes things don't turn out the way you think they're going to; sometimes they turn out far better than you think they're going to.

I never would have believed it, if somebody had come to me and predicted that particular change.
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was that because they all met bad ends before 35?

Huh. Your descriptions of life with George now, combined with the anecdote about the first year after you married him and the time you woke up and said "Peter?" and he said so gently "Peter is dead. I'm George," gave me the impression that he had always been a steady, quiet, thoughtful man.
It's always different when you live with someone, I know, but I've known you both for almost 30 years and he has always seemed very kind to me.
My husband says that he used to be like that - very stressed and angry a lot of the time, ready to blow his top and rage at random triggers.

What calmed HIM down was having two severe heart attacks on the same day, arriving dead at the hospital, and being resuscitated... after that, as he says, 'Once you've been dead you get a different attitude to life'. I've never yet seen him lose his temper in four years, although he has been angry and deeply moved on occasion.
a similar thing happened to my dad (now 80). he had ptsd from having been a ww2 refugee, became an angry adult, and is a much mellower elder.

(i should also remark that in the past decade he's started eating better and exercising, so the effects of self-care as well as pure passage of time probably count.)

anyway, here's to us all striving to become better people, all throughout our lives :)
I forgot where I heard it first, but I've heard it often said that the things you initially were driven mad by about your partner, become the things that you find most dear, and vice versa. It's been something I've smiled about each time someone new in my world reveals that tidbit in my direction.
thank you for sharing this... it gives me hope that my husband's occasionally embarrassingly arrogant behavior may yet transform itself into something more graceful.
Is it ironic my dear labeleizzy that I was thinking sort of along the same lines....not the arrogance (that has passed, but then M is a nearly twice J's age), but that this post and the responses give me hope that the angry stage M has entered may yet pass away into something more, indeed, graceful.
One factor with someone I know, is that a long standing diabetic condition was finally noticed and given treatment. It was usually en route to lunch that he would become angry about one thing or another. Turned out to be low blood sugar episodes producing adrenalin.

As we get older, more and more things that used to be apparently minor annoyances (such as snoring) finally get diagnosed and treated (ie sleep apnea).


January 20 2011, 15:12:49 UTC 9 years ago

Once my mother died, I was the worst bitch in my life. Without her example and goad, I've mellowed quite a bit. George has had YOUR influence and example, Suzette. Also, once I met a very difficult person, and realized I'd always love him no matter what, it expanded my range of what I'd tolerate. Too far, but that's a separate story.

Meg Umans