| 8:06a |
Linguistics; pragmatics; favors; part eight...
It seems to me that the primary difficulty with the "favors" language interactions is the generic problem we human beings face in every interaction where we're concerned with politeness -- that there's no way to know in advance which of the many "favors" cultures or subcultures the other person belongs to. Even when we know someone well, we can suddenly discover in the favors context that there are differences between us we had never before realized were there. People don't wear identifying buttons or badges in this regard; they don't introduce themselves with utterances anything like "Hello! I'm a Dysfunctional Ask person with a very slight tendency toward Hint patterns when I'm really nervous or tired."
And we have no way of knowing in advance that we've encountered someone from one of the subgroups in which favors are used as a way of building group ties and are actively encouraged, or one in which favors are "banked" in an informal barter system. [I'm familiar with both of those subgroups and have had experience trying to function within them. I'm inclined to think that in both cases the word "favor" itself is differently defined than it is elsewhere, which is why the metaprinciple of trying to avoid asking for favors no longer applies. We don't have a separate word in English for that kind of favor, so far as I know.]
Suppose we don't care about being perceived as polite; then we don't have a problem. We can ask for a favor (or respond to a request for a favor) any old way that suits us, and the consequences will be whatever they're going to be, from a pleasant experience that builds the relationship between the two (or more) of us to a permanent break in that relationship. If we do care about being perceived as polite, however -- and in these days of constantly shifting relationships, where building rapport in a hurry has become almost a survival skill, we very well may -- then Hint-culture people have a slight advantage. Because they're going to be more skilled at the kind of preliminary circling and bobbing and waters-testing that might let them discover what subgroup they're dealing with before they're too deeply involved in the favors situation to call it off or revise their communication strategy for it. All those preliminaries are going to annoy the Ask-culture people -- who will be thinking, and perhaps even saying, "Look -- if you want something, just say so!" or "Look -- if you don't want to do this, just say so!" -- but the Hint-culture people have a whole array of strategies for smoothing troubled waters of that kind.
The favors issue has different rules when one or more of the individuals involved is disabled, or is a child, or has some other exceptional circumstance that must be considered. In such situations, common sense has to be added to the social equation. And the favors issue in old age undergoes such a drastic transformation that I think I'd better do a separate post about it, just as a warning of what's ahead of you.
I've been learning a tremendous amount from this discussion; thank you, one and all, for participating. |