Linguistics; pragmatics; favors; part seven -- common ground... Sometimes it's possible to find common ground in areas of human language behavior -- to find concepts that groups which seem to be following drastically different rules turn out to have in common. I've been hoping that some shared concepts of this kind would emerge in this discussion, and have been watching for them. I'd like to write briefly here about a few I've noticed so far, and will do my best to refrain from using LinguistSpeak.
One concept that seems to me to have been clearly established as a consensus goes like this:
(1)When you ask for a favor, be courteous, in accordance with the principles by which you personally understand and define courtesy. If courtesy is a quality you value, be courteous for that reason; if not, be courteous because the answer is more likely to be yes if you're courteous than if you're rude. [Or be courteous for both of those reasons.]
A subconcept of
(1) that appears to me to be a firm consensus is the "Don't demand mind-reading" one:
(2)Never, in the favor-requesting context, say anything like "I shouldn't have had to
ask," or "If I have to
ask, your doing it doesn't
count," or "You should just have
known, with
out being asked."
Another concept that I'm beginning to see, but that isn't yet as clear or as firmly grounded, is this one:
(3)When you respond to a request for a favor, be courteous, in accordance with the principles by which you personally understand and define courtesy. If courtesy is a quality you value, be courteous for that reason; if not, be courteous to avoid causing the asker to lose face, since loss of face has a high potential for negative consequences for both of you. [Or be courteous for both of those reasons.]
Like the term "courtesy," "avoid causing the asker to lose face" has a number of very different meanings for different participants in the discussion. The set of meanings includes at least these five, some of which contradict one or more of the others....
a. Don't put the asker in the position of having to try to figure out what you're asking for; be clear and specific.
b. Don't put the asker in the position of having to try to figure out why you're saying "no"; be clear and specific.
c. Don't put the asker in the position of not knowing what degree of difficulty granting the favor will involve for you; be clear and specific.
d. Don't say anything that will make the asker feel guilty or ashamed about having asked for the favor.
e. Don't say anything that will make the asker feel "beholden" -- feel indebted to you.
For some askers there is an analogous "avoid causing the person you're requesting the favor from -- the 'askee' -- to lose face" concept, with at least these three associated meanings:
a. Don't put the askee in the position of having to say "no" to you; be indirect enough in what you say to leave the askee plenty of wiggle room.
b. If the askee says "no," don't ask for an explanation.
c. If the askee says "no," accept the refusal without arguing or trying to negotiate.
Finally, there appears to be a sort of basic metaprinciple that goes like this:
Try hard to avoid asking for favors.
Because (a) except with people you know
extremely well, there's no way you can know what meaning(s) they assign to either "courtesy" or "avoid causing the asker/askee to lose face," and (b) there's no way you can know whether they are people for whom doing favors involves keeping track of a sort of economy of favors done and favors owed, and (c) the entire process is so complicated and fraught with possible unpleasantness.
Over to you...
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Nonfiction online: "How Verbal Self-Defense Works" at
http://people.howstuffworks.com/vsd.htm ; "Why Are Old Women Older Than Old Men And How Can We Fix That?" at
http://www.seniorwomen.com/articles/articlesElginOld.html ;
Religious Language Newsletter archive at
http://www.forlovingkindness.org .
Fiction online: "We Have Always Spoken Panglish" at
http://www.sfwa.org/members/elgin/Story-Panglish.html ; "What The EPA Don't Know Won't Hurt Them" at
http://www.infinityplus.co.uk/stories/epa.htm ; "Weather Bulletin" at
http://www.sfwa.org/members/elgin/Weather.html ; "A Quorum Of Grandmothers" at
http://www.sfwa.org/members/elgin/QuorumOfGrandmothers.html ;
The Communipaths at
http://www.jackiepowers.com/SuzetteHadenElgin/TheCommunipaths.html . More stuff at
http://www.sfwa.org/members/elgin/SiteMap.html ; LiveJournal
blog index at
http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=ozarque .