ozarque's Journal

Linguistics; pragmatics; favors; part two...
We're working on a Favors Grammar together, focusing on the one for "Mainstream American English" language and culture, but glad to have input from other languages/dialects/cultures because often that input clarifies things substantially. I suggest that in constructing this grammar we start with the most basic scenario -- where you're asked for a favor that's not unreasonable in its scope, a favor that's something you're capable of doing, and the person asking isn't someone who is constantly asking for favors and imposing on others -- and work toward the more complicated scenarios.

The first two questions we were tackling were:

a. Should you make sure that the person asking for the favor knows exactly how much of a hardship it will be for you to do the favor? Is making that clear to the asker rude ... is it guilt-tripping?

b. Suppose the request is for something that would be easy or trivial for the asker but would be hard for you to do: Should you explain that to the asker, or it is better to say "No. I'm sorry; I can't do that for you" and let it go at that unless the asker demands an explanation?

And it seems to me that -- for this basic, ideal scenario -- your comments show that we're already close to a consensus. For just three examples....

marypcb commented, for herself and her husband:
"If we're happy to do something we wouldn't say anything about whether it was far or difficult unless it might make a difference -- we'll have to leave pretty early so don't worry if we're there after everyone else. If we aren't
happy to do something we're more likely to let the asker down easily with a reason why we can't possibly do it at the time than to say a plain no."

wolfangel78 commented:
"If it's that much of a terrible, horrible hardship, say no. If you do someone a favour, do it graciously."

fibermom commented:
"For me, it's definitely a choice between doing the favor graciously (that is, without suggesting that it is a hardship) and saying no. If I say no, then I would express regret for having to do so, because if it were possible for me, I would do it. I wouldn't give a reason, usually, because that sounds to me as though it's open to negotiation. ... For the sake of data collection, I am a native speaker of American English living in the South."

If we turn these comments (and a number of others much like them) into rules, it seems to me that they would look something like this:

Rule One:
When you're willing to grant the favor, say yes without adding additional information suggesting that it will be difficult for you to do it.

[Note: My own perception is that taking steps to be sure the asker knows it will be difficult for you to do the favor is a way of charging the asker, so that the favor ceases to be a favor and becomes a task bought and paid for in the coin of guilt.

The exception is when the asker is a youngster who may need to be made aware of the difficulties, for future purposes. For example, suppose a twelve-year-old asks you for a ride to the mall during the morning rush hour; in that case, the child needs to know that that's a bad idea as a general practice, because it could make the person who's asked for the ride late to work. But if you're willing to grant the favor, don't explain the problem at the time; wait and explain the following day, or the next time you're with that child, and explain by criticizing the behavior, not by criticizing the child. Say "When somebody gets asked for a ride during the morning rush hour, saying yes might make them late to work, and that's a problem" instead of "It's rude for you to ask somebody for a ride during the morning rush hour, because you could make them late to work."]

Rule Two:
When you're not willing to grant the favor, say no, and say that you're sorry you have to refuse. If you want to give a reason for your refusal and can do so without providing an opening for negotiation, give a reason; otherwise, just say that the answer is no and that you're sorry.

[Note: That is, saying "No, I can't take you to the mall this morning because I have to be at the dentist's office by 8:30" gives the asker an opening to say, "Well, then, can you take me this afternoon?" Unless you want that to happen and are willing to participate in a negotiation, just say, "No, I'm sorry; I can't take you to the mall."]

Enough for now... and I thank you for all your excellent comments and data.

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Nonfiction online: "How Verbal Self-Defense Works" at http://people.howstuffworks.com/vsd.htm ; "Why Are Old Women Older Than Old Men And How Can We Fix That?" at http://www.seniorwomen.com/articles/articlesElginOld.html ; Religious Language Newsletter archive at http://www.forlovingkindness.org . Fiction online: "We Have Always Spoken Panglish" at http://www.scifi.com/scifiction/originals/originals_archive/elgin/elgin1.html ; "What The EPA Don't Know Won't Hurt Them" at http://www.infinityplus.co.uk/stories/epa.htm ; "Weather Bulletin" at http://www.sfwa.org/members/elgin/Weather.html ; "A Quorum Of Grandmothers" at http://www.sfwa.org/members/elgin/QuorumOfGrandmothers.html ; The Communipaths at http://www.jackiepowers.com/SuzetteHadenElgin/TheCommunipaths.html . More stuff at http://www.sfwa.org/members/elgin/SiteMap.html ; LiveJournal blog index at http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=ozarque .