ozarque's Journal

Death and dying; part four...

mmegaera (in response to my "part three" post in this discussion) notes that the post "assumes that every person has either household or family to handle things after the person is gone," and wants to know what people who do not have -- and perhaps prefer not to have -- a social network should do instead of those items on my list and the additional ones that have been added in comments.

mmegaera writes: "I simply refuse to believe that I am the only person out there who lives alone, is not close (geographically or otherwise) enough to and/or does not trust my relatives to the point where I want them involved, and whose friends are either a) older enough than I am to most likely not be around when the time comes, or b) not close enough that I would want to burden them with this. So what do people like me do? Aside from developing relationships for this express purpose (which is what it would be -- I like my life the way it is, darnit!)?"

Very good question, and no -- of course

mmegaera isn't the only person out there who is living in the manner described and prefers to do so. It does mean being someone who is either fully capable of getting everything done independently and/or is financially able to hire things done when necessary. Anyone who meets those conditions and can freely choose that lifestyle is blessed, and has my congratulations, although it's not a situation I would want for myself.

In my opinion, however, some of the basics still apply. In particular: "One major part of dying a good death is the serenity that comes from feeling that you've put your affairs in good enough order to avoid having left messes behind for other people to deal with." My suggestions.....

There still needs to be a will, written with the assistance of a lawyer or legal aid service, because unless you can predict the exact moment of your death you are going to die with some belongings and assets on hand, and you should make it simple for the individuals who find you after death to dispose of those items properly. The will can specify just three things: (a) that you want your belongings to go to [organization or charity or church or (other) of your choice, including "to the trash" if that's your preference]; (b) your preferences with regard to the disposal of your body and any memorial or funeral (including a statement that you want nothing of that kind done, if that's the case); (c) information about the way that those final arrangements, and any personal bills that may not have been taken care of, are to be paid for. A small term life insurance policy would be one way to handle item (c), and if that's your choice your lawyer should write the will in such a way that he or she is the beneficiary and is instructed to spend the funds for that purpose, with yet another lawyer listed as a backup in case the first one predeceases you.

And there still needs to be a Living Will, or whatever is the equivalent of that document in the area where you live, so that you have a reasonable chance of not being tormented during a final illness with medications and medical procedures you don't want, or of being denied medications and medical procedures that you do want. You should prepare it with the assistance of the lawyer or paralegal who helped in the preparation of your other will, and that person should have a copy of the document. One of the consequences of choosing an old age without a social network -- a choice to which you are fully entitled -- is that if you suffer a sudden illness or injury that requires hospitalization there may be no one around to intercede on your behalf. You will therefore need an "In case" card that specifies that your lawyer or paralegal be contacted. As a number of LJers have pointed out in comments, this won't guarantee that your wishes will be honored, but it will increase the chances of that happening.

Finally, if you know that you are dying, as opposed to being taken by surprise, it would be wise (and courteous) to put a file folder or manila envelope -- with your will, Living Will, life insurance policy information, and your lawyer's phone number inside -- somewhere in your living quarters where it would be hard to miss it, with a line like "To Be Opened After My Death" written on the top.